When I was a kid Time dragged on and a year passing felt more of a celebration versus a reminder of just how quickly Time flies. My parents would tell me, “Just watch. When you get older, time will seem to just fly by in the wink of an eye.” This statement was used quite often by my parents, which had meant to me they were silly. That they must have just been consumed with work to notice how Time does not fly by and in all actuality it moves along like that of a slug across your back sliding door. It was also a “Yah yah yah, whatever you say,” situation for me as a child. They would continue on, “The years get shorter and you continue to get older. Then one day you’ll be as old as I am!” Pssh. I had felt that was such nonsense. This would not be the case for me, for it already felt like I was never going to get out of the house and become an adult and be able to do such things like sign my own checks (for whatever reason, my mom signing her checks at the local grocery store seemed very exciting to me).

… This moment I feel like the transition definitely needs a dot dot dot… So, anyone who is over 25 years old I’m sure can relate now to what my parents were actually saying. It’s another one of those moments where you realize your parents aren’t just vomiting out trite statements after trite statements; that their exclamations actually hold water. Damnit.

I am now 32 years old, soon to be 33 in February 2018. My first thought after typing that is that of Pepe Le Pew when he says, “Le Sigh.” I have learned that you truly do need to cherish every moment because “when you get to be my age” days like today feel like yesterday was January 1, 2017 and in 3 days it will be January 1, 2018. So where does it all go and did I accomplish any of my prior goals in that whole year of 2017? I will say that I think we, as new adults, (yes, I said new because I don’t feel old quite yet and I’m sure that many never do no matter how high their number gets) should give ourselves a break. If anyone is like myself, then anxiety is a very real thing and it is especially noticeable when you think about if your Time was used wisely and if you are honoring the life you have been given by doing everything in your capability to have and live the life you have always wanted.  I say that we should give ourselves a break because I feel like so many things can happen within a year and that it is that which is what makes Time seem so short.

Breaking down my year, I was working full time with my husband away on deployment in countries like Djibouti and Sri Lanka, all the while planning for a wedding that my husband and I had wanted since 2015 when we had officially gotten married, to starting my own Etsy and FB page to sell my artwork, completing several pieces of art, making sure my husband had a great home coming in April, quitting my job to pursue my art career, going on a cross country road trip, having the wedding, going to Ireland for our long deserved honeymoon and finally ending the year with the BAM-BAM-BAM of Thanksgiving, Christmas and now the New Years. That could seem like a lot for many. However, I honestly feel like it wasn’t enough… I didn’t do enough to have let another year go by and for me to be another year older. I do know that this feeling I feel may not be an uncommon one and I know that I need to shake myself and allow myself to be okay with it all; as a lot of what had transpired in this past year were events that are emotionally taxing and stressful, to say the least, and was truly A LOT when I truly look at it. So, if I am going to give myself a break, maybe this can help aid others to allow themselves to do the same.

My anxiety about Time and how it seems to slip through my fingers, just as my parents had advised that it would, mostly comes from my ultimate goal. (Frankly, Death is the ultimate fear, especially thinking about the day that my husband or I will have to see the other one leave this planet, but I try not to dwell on something so horribly sad.) I have a lot of aspirations and I feel that I need to make this life of mine meaningful. Yes, my family and my friends are big players in making my life so, and soon I will have children and I am sure that they will be even more precious and amazing that I am even capable of understanding at this point in time. However, I want to leave a mark on this planet artistically, whether it being something great that I write that touches someone’s life or it being my photography or my paintings that move people emotionally. I want to create to a point where I am benefiting someone’s life for the better. There’s a quote from a motivational video on YouTube that I hands down agree with and that is, “If you are not making someone’s life better, then you are wasting your time.” Deep within my soul I know that Art is what moves people and it is such a beautiful and wonderful thing that everyone can appreciate. Music, architecture, sculptures, drawings, paintings, dance, you name it… We all love one or more types of art and I yearn to be a part of it all. And in the end, it is this goal of mine that would make everything okay, all the heartaches, all the struggles and then eventually the day that I have to say goodbye… So, every year that passes that I am not as close to accomplishing this goal as I want to be, anxiety ensues and then I have to remind myself to give myself break and to breathe and, most importantly, keep trying.

There are going to be a lot of changes in 2018. Dan, my husband, and I have received orders to move to Baltimore. I’ve never been to Baltimore and I know Dan and I will treat this as an adventure and make the very best of it. I looked it up on the Net and Baltimore does have a big art community, so that’s exciting. We are going to miss California deeply, as this has become our home. We made a pact that we will one day return to Southern California and hopefully that day will not be too far away. I do know that “wherever you go, there you are,” and that if you surround yourself with the people you love and like minded individuals, you will have the motivation to obtain what you truly desire and that you will be able to overcome any obstacle that is thrown your way. I hope that everyone is able to allow themselves to breathe a little easier and to keep pushing forward, as that is what I am reminding myself to do as well. We should all look at the events in our lives that have been monumental stressors or emotionally taxing and give ourselves a pat on the back for getting through it and for actually being “okay” on the other side. No one lives my life but myself. No one knows all that I have endured, overcome, or celebrated. This goes for everyone else’s life too. Let 2018 be a year of a little more understanding and a little more self love. God bless.

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